We’re only two and a half weeks into the baseball season, meaning nothing can be set in stone just yet. Regardless, it’s never too early to look at how everyone’s doing so far, and then attach a silly ranking to them. Records are as of Tuesday’s games.
30. Baltimore Orioles (2-13). There’s not a lot of good to say right now. Instead, I’ll recommend watching the television series The Wire, its set in Baltimore and one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. Moving on.
29. Houston Astros (4-9). The Astros are last in every major offensive category in the National League. But hey! Lance Berkman just came off the disabled list, so there’s that.
28. Kansas City Royals (5-9). Zack Greinke got horrible run support last season and won the Cy Young Award. Naturally, he’s been struggling this year while the offense ranks in the top five of every major offensive category in the American League.
27. New York Mets (6-8). They have called up minor league prospect Ike Davis to generate excitement around this team. Again, we’re only two and a half weeks into the season.
26. Chicago White Sox (5-9). The best thing about their slow start? Manager Ozzie Guillen has to answer for it, meaning gems like this: "If the fans are mad at me ... just one thing, figure it out, how many people we hold here? 50,000 people? 50,000 people please come here and boo me because at least we're going to have people in the stands."
25. Cincinnati Reds (6-8). The most exciting news from the Reds this year: pitcher Edinson Volquez was served a 50-game suspension for testing positive for a performance-enhancing substance on Tuesday. Whoops.
24. Arizona Diamondbacks (6-8). I can’t say much about this team, but did you know the diamondback rattlesnake is the largest rattlesnake in North America? I hope your mind is blown.
23. Milwaukee Brewers (6-7). Things I would rather watch on TV instead of a Doug Davis start: Applebee’s commercials, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Lopez Tonight simultaneously in picture and picture, Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern and those weird teenage pregnancy shows; I don’t enjoy Doug Davis’s pitching.
22. Chicago Cubs (5-9). Unrest and inconsistency; everything seems to be going pretty much according to schedule here.
21. Washington Nationals (7-7). I know they copied the Brewers’ sausage races, but seeing the mammoth-sized heads of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln running around is still pretty entertaining to me.
20. Cleveland Indians (6-7). Honestly, why would anyone in Cleveland be paying attention to the Indians right now with Lebron and the Cavaliers in the playoffs? There are bigger things at hand here. Although, if Shin-Soo Choo continues to hit like this…no, nevermind, it’s all about Lebron.
19. Pittsburgh Pirates (7-6). This was highlighted in ESPN’s Power Rankings but it bears repeating: The Pirates are 7-6 with a run differential of minus-29! What the hell?
18. Texas Rangers (5-8). Wouldn’t it be cool if someone’s last name on this team was Walker? They could walk around saying, “Hi, I’m ____ Walker, Texas Ranger.” It’d be better than Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Texas Ranger, that’s for sure.
17. Boston Red Sox (5-9). During the offseason, Boston focused on upgrading defensively. This Monday, with newly-acquired Mike Cameron out of the lineup, ex-Brewer Bill Hall, while running full speed, forgot about and consequently smashed into the centerfield wall going after a home run. I thought this was a good metaphor for the Sox’s season at this point.
16. San Diego Padres (8-6). Earlier this week, David Eckstein hit a walk-off home run. This could be a sign for a surprisingly decent year for the Padres, or it could be remembered as the single best moment of their entire season. I think I know what I’ll guess.
15. Seattle Mariners (8-7). I like the team they’re putting together, plus they have Ken Griffey, Jr. Seattle is where he should’ve been all along.
14. Los Angeles Dodgers (6-7). So, word is that Matt Kemp is dating Rihanna. That’s all well and good, but it wouldn’t it be much more entertaining if she were dating Manny Ramirez instead? Really, anything is more entertaining with Manny Ramirez.
13. Los Angeles Angels (8-7). World Series MVP Hideki Matsui has picked up where he left off last November, meaning he is raking. I have to say, I miss Godzilla a lot more than I thought I would.
12. Toronto Blue Jays (9-6). The Jays aren’t going to play well this season and force me to pay attention, are they? Without Roy Halladay, I was planning on ignoring them.
11. Colorado Rockies (7-7). I’m no Buster Olney, but after I heard Ubaldo Jimenez threw a no-hitter, I thought, “Oh yeah, that guy was supposed to be pretty good, wasn’t he?” It’s kind of weird to wonder how this knowledge got into my head without me knowing it. I blame ESPN.
10. Detroit Tigers (7-7). Boy, does this team have a potentially dominant lineup. It was nice of them to try and counteract this by putting Dontrelle Willis in the rotation.
9. Florida Marlins (8-6). Since I’m bringing up a lot of former Brewers, how about Wes Helms: professional hitter? Well, professional pinch hitter, more likely, but check it: in 13 at-bats, he’s hitting .462 with an on-base percentage of .533. Maybe he’s the next Matt Stairs.
8. Atlanta Braves (8-5). We were hearing about Jason Heyward’s brilliance before spring training, more during spring training, and now that he’s taking off in the majors, we’re going to be hearing about this guy a lot. A lot. One more time, we are only two and a half weeks into the season.
7. Oakland Athletics (9-6). For a guy nobody wanted last season, Ben Sheets has pitched serviceably early this year. I can see the rest of his campaign ending in one of two ways: returning to his old form and pissing every Brewer fan off since he couldn’t keep it together in Milwaukee, or more likely, a return to his rightful spot on the disabled list. Admittedly, that was an easy one.
6. San Francisco Giants (8-6). One of the craziest Tim Lincecum stats that I’ve seen: When he gets at least four runs of support, his career record is 30-0.
5. St. Louis Cardinals (9-5). A scary team, yet boring to write about because simply put, they’re good. Pujols, Holliday, Wainwright, Carpenter; all first-rate, you don’t need me to tell you that.
4. Minnesota Twins (10-4). You know the commercial with Joe Mauer for MLB 10 The Show? During his banter with the Sony guy, the subject of the two fishing in Mexico comes up, which the Sony guy denies happening by saying, “I’m not even allowed in Mexico.” I always wonder why that is.
3. Philadelphia Phillies (8-5). Watching Roy Halladay pitch in the National League is looking like it will be similar to the episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia when Charlie flips out at a youth basketball game and starts throwing elbows and blocking shots into the bleachers. Halladay is probably not deranged like Charlie, but his dominance could be just as comical.
2. Tampa Bay Rays (10-4). Pitching is rolling, hitting is rolling, but it would be a shame if things go south and a guy like Carl Crawford gets traded later this season, to I don’t know, a team like the Yankees. Such a shame that would be.
1. New York Yankees (10-3). Really, I tried to avoid it, but even Javier Vazquez got a win Tuesday and I have to be somewhat objective, I guess. This means the impending five-game losing streak is my fault. But that’s okay with you, I’d imagine.